Researcher John Gottman found that people do these things when they fight, which he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and they are very researchbased. And what he found was, if any of these four things show up, if any of these four behaviors show up when a couple disagrees with each other, then their chances of divorce are astronomical. And, if a couple would stop doing these four things when they disagree, then their chance of divorce decreases by 85%.


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There is criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The one that we are going to be focusing on today is stonewalling in a relationship. I talked with a friend recently who told me about a disagreement that he and his wife were getting into about finances. The debate was that one wanted to put their finances towards one thing, and the other wanted to put finances towards another, a very common situation that marriages experience.

If someone has been stonewalling in a relationship and has been their M. over the past several months or years, that will be a rational fear that the other spouse has. So the end of the bargain that the stonewaller has to agree to is coming back and finishing that conversation. These are just some quick tips on how you can deal with stonewalling in a relationship. If you're the stonewalling person, remember there is a difference between stonewalling and needing to process.

You have to be able to talk about things and work them out. If you're the person being stonewalled, then realize that your spouse may be stonewalling you because they feel pushed. So what you can do is make it a safe place for conversation to happen and compromise to occur. You'll find that if you are married to a person who needs more time to process, and you give them that time to process, you'll come together to a much better conclusion and compromise than you would if you constantly tried to push the situation and push for an answer today.


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